reckoning

Archive for September, 2010|Monthly archive page

Goodbye, Hello

In Uncategorized on September 9, 2010 at 11:29 pm

Heron

In Uncategorized on September 2, 2010 at 11:40 am

Heron

I wrapped my arms around his waist to prepare for the picture. His body felt so bony and fragile and I held him realizing that this man has held my heart up with the heaviness of his voice and has shook me into an essence of myself that had been avoided. We faced into the lense as he spoke and rambled thoughts and observations of the moment, narrating life the way elders do.

When we first stopped him as he was rushing out the building on to the elevator, he was kind and relaxed. You never know what to expect from anyone you meet and he seemed like he was from somewhere where people’s souls stay buried, grounded in the earth they from. They leave but they soul just stay covered a couple inches down in the dirt to remind them where they from and where they will return. Remember.  An example of this is he took off his shades and explained that something had gotten in his eye earlier and to clarify that he was not trying “to be too cool.” That moment was something I take with me in a special kind of way. The weight placed on connection and realness.

I believe him, like he could never lie. Incapable of it. That when you have seen enough and experienced enough and felt enough you cannot lie about life. It all must be revealed. This man feels so deep and real, I do not know him, but to have your deep voice crack and be angry and feel sadness and tell stories and avoid escape and thrust yourself into the scary place that you hold in your heart, where there can be no rescue.  In the heart there can only be acceptance and then flight.

There is this one song of his where he is harmonizing with a group of brothers in a way that makes me understand the optimism of pain. Something about the way their voices all rub against each other’s harmonizing to convey the sharedness of a collective hurt that is the rite of life. It is sad in a way that feels good. Like being in the middle of a downpour and not bracing yourself, just feeling cold, wet and alone.  Yes. It is here that I am. I am here, I do not resist my experience of being of bones flesh and soul. Of being a vibration a truth and a lie to be of the ALL and of the NOTHING. So this song when I listen to it I sip tea and feel the tension between myself and all that is not myself and hold on to my cup and am still.